Depression does not define me

So, who am I? Well that is a very good question and quite frankly one that I am desperately trying to find the answer to. But whilst I am trying to find myself, let me tell you the bits about me that I do know.

I am a woman in my forties (ok, late forties), who is not really living, I’m more clinging to my sanity and trying to get through each day.

I am married, I have been with my husband for 27 years and married for 20. In truth I haven’t wanted to be married for at least 15 years, but I am too scared to leave. But after events that have taken place in the past year, I know that I must, for my own sanity and happiness.

I have a good career and to the outside world I am an outgoing, confident, loud, funny human. Unfortunately, that is not what resides on the inside!

I have no contact with my immediate family. If you read “When your mother is the devil”, hopefully you will understand why.

I am going through the “process” of counselling / therapy to try to find some contentment or more preferable, some happiness within myself.
This is not my first time in therapy, I have many past experiences none of which went particularly well – the fixed number of sessions always ended before I felt I had achieved much. This time it will be different, I will make significant progress and reach my goals. I will find a new version of me, that already lurks inside me somewhere.

I have struggled with depression from a young age, I am not sure if I have ever been “Happy”, but I was getting by, until the sudden and tragic loss of my brother. This tragic event made me realise I wanted to change. I initially went to see a counsellor for bereavement counselling, and it’s kind of evolved.

What a week feels like

What is feels like to live in the past, missing the now and dreading the future:

Where did that week go? What did you see? I saw all of my past, staring at me.
I saw a person in pain, who just wants to be free, I saw a person who’s trapped, just wants to flee.
Where did that week go? What did you feel? I felt I was floating, like nothing is real.
I felt all the sadness and pain that won’t heal, I felt many things, all so surreal.
Where did that week go? What did you hear? I heard that I am useless, no words of revere.
I heard I’m a failure, the reasons unclear, I heard all of these things but not in my ear.

Where did that week go? What did you think? I think it is pointless and I’ve started to sink.
I think I am struggling, that I’m on the brink, I think it’s confusing, the thoughts out of sync
.

The blog Nov 2019 & onwards

Its nearing the end of 2019 – where has this year gone – my blog from November 2019 onwards will map my progress (I hope) as I continue to work with my counsellor to find myself and achieve my current list of goals and finally start living. The goals page, also describes the challenges I face getting from who I am, to who I want to be.

I can’t tell you exactly where this journey is going to take me, because at this moment in time, I am stuck and cannot see a way out, a way forward. I am terrified I will never reach my goals, set myself free and be happy. But I will not – cannot – give in. I do not want to die before I find myself and like the person that I am.

The blog Prior to Nov 2019

Writing about my past, gives me the opportunity to unburden my mind, put the past to bed in a warm smugly blanket and move forwards with my life. At the same time it gives you some context as to why I have issues and you will get a picture of the person that I am – despite me not being clear on this.

On the “How I got here” page, I have created a timeline, that links to posts I have written for:

  • significant events that have happened in my life, generally causing pain, sadness, fear, anger or in some instances a combination of them.
  • memories that I wasn’t particularly aware of, but they seem to have gained significance through the therapy journey.

I have also created a “Negative Voice” page, this shows my current and very frequent negative thoughts process, that invariably, leads me down a torturous path of destruction, makes me feel like I cannot cope, I am not worthy until the pressure builds to a level where the darkest of thoughts appear in my mind and tell me that I should die. I would hope in the future to add a mind map, that demonstrates a much calmer, clearer mind – watch this space, but do not hold your breath, it may take a while…

Thank you for reading this far.

The Darkest Knight