A suicidal COVID-19 Prisoner

Finally a few days ago my husband had been indoors for 2 weeks, he has no symptoms, so I no longer need to social distance from him.

I usually take it for granted, but when I was able to sit in my front room and enjoy sitting on the sofa I actually felt joyful. The bleaching of everything continues, however I can be in the same room as my husband. My counsellor is fit and well and I am so happy to be able to talk to her! I have so much to say after the last weeks of misery.

Alison checks in on me daily and has been amazing! She brought me colouring books, diamond paintings and puzzle books to help me fight the boredom. She is such a lovely person, way too good to be my friend.

OMG he broke the shielding rules

And just like that a risky choice was made and my joy has quickly disappeared!

I am totally soul destroyed! Today his levels of stupidity beggars belief. He opened the door to a neighbour and came walking in with a cash card for me to do a bank transfer.

When I asked how he got the card, quite simply he took it from his hand. On top of that the man has been off work a week with symptoms of Coronavirus!

No apology, just the usual trying to tell me they were 2 meters apart. We had measured 2 meters previously in our front room so I asked him to pass something to me to demonstrate they couldn’t possibly have been two meters apart.

He then started to explain a door is 2.2 meters, I am still struggling with the relevance! I explained a standard door is actually 6’6”, no I was wrong. He gets a tape measure and when I tell him no need, he screams at me If I had let him talk, he will tell me I am right.

I am a prisoner once again…

So I tell him, I will have to shield again, because of his stupidity. Just a shrug and attitude that he will have to do it too. Yet it is me that will work all day and be a prisoner of my room. He can laze around all day, watching TV and being free inside our home. I just have no words.

I don’t think I can take much more…

Unless you have experienced shielding (totally distancing yourself from others), you probably will not understand. My frustration, anger and sadness levels hit a new all time high. I wanted to scream; I mean the kind of screaming that would lead the neighbours to believe you are being murdered.

Suicidal thoughts take over

I am angry, sad, frustrated, anxious, lonely, and feeling totally overwhelmed. I cannot face the day. I pray for sleep, so the time passes and I am unaware. The pressure is building in my body, desperate to explode from me – if I only knew how to release it. But I cannot release it, it feels like I am totally consumed with anger. But there is also something else, I am not sure if it is pain, or sadness. I suppose the closest thing I have to explaining how I feel is grief. That intense pain you have when you have just lost someone who you loved more than anything.

I do not want someone to find or see my body. I’d want to die, without causing distress to anyone. I am obsessed with thinking about the minute details of how I should die. I’m not brave, I am scared of pain, that is after all why I want to die. I just want this pain to stop.

I message my counsellor “I cannot see an end to any of this and it will be pointless us continuing. Utilise the time to help someone who can be helped.” She replies hours later “I understand that you’re feeling things are pointless at the moment. Lets discuss this tomorrow at your usual session”.

So she, like everyone else is not listening. She doesn’t know how hard this is, the pain and anger I have literally fighting to exit my body! She does not understand I am at breaking point, either that or she does not care. Validation that absolutely no one cares!

I respond with “No, I don’t want to talk” followed by another message a short while later “I really cannot take any more.”

My counsellor called me

My phone ringing and my counsellors name on the screen, takes me by surprise. I had not expected her to call me! Answered without knowing what to say! I tell her that I want to die. I do not know exactly what I said, I was so distressed. I know she told me to breathe, to calm myself down. She spoke to me for a very long time, late into the night. I cannot express how grateful I am. I’m so lucky that she cared. I truly believe she saved my life. She saved me from so much pain. Just being able to tell her how bad it was, how much I was hurting.

Just believing that someone cares. It’s so hard because I pay her to care, but I still think there is an element of genuine care, or maybe I just pacify myself with that thought.

Daily counselling

The next day I feel shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. The problem is when you are losing the plot it all pours out. You say things you wouldn’t usually say or admit too. You feel so desperate that you do not consider having to face them again.

I hope she forgives me, I hope she forgets what I said. I’d hope she doesn’t ever give up on me. I so need her help. I cannot keep going. I cannot keep feeling like this.

She is kind and offers to see me more often, to see me every week day for a few weeks. I do not deserve her! I finally believe I have a truly amazing counsellor and if anyone can help me, then I believe it will be her.

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