Yesterday I felt such intense sadness from Heidi (my therapist), her words, her eyes and something in her voice really affected me. It may have been frustration, which is far more understandable, but it felt like sadness. It was the first time I had spoken to Heidi since being told the diagnosis. For the last […]
Counselling relationship
Having an ‘Episode’
I’ve just returned from a four day ‘episode’. I call it episode in the absence of having a more appropriate word to describe it. Another way to describe it would be a suicidal meltdown. I was already struggling, then a call with my therapist was the final straw. Heidi is the therapist that I have […]
Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder?
I started this week having a “meltdown” and it ended with my being distraught and confused. I’m left wondering if Heidi’s – and my – suspicion that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is unfounded. I always question my sanity, but it’s far worse at the moment. I can’t help wishing that I hadn’t […]
I am Human and I am a Woman!
This may sound stupid; everyone knows what they look like right? But I am not sure that I do! For I cannot bear to see myself in the mirror, I dash past it and into the shower. Once the mirror is masked in steam I am invisible. Other times I stand away from the sink to […]
I am finally starting to find myself
I am finally starting to find myself. I’ve been seeing my counsellor every week for a year, 5 times a week for the last month. I feel really bad, I hate it that she thinks I need so much of her time. At the same time I am so grateful to her. She is not […]
A suicidal COVID-19 Prisoner
Finally a few days ago my husband had been indoors for 2 weeks, he has no symptoms, so I no longer need to social distance from him. I usually take it for granted, but when I was able to sit in my front room and enjoy sitting on the sofa I actually felt joyful. The […]
It’s time to take the leap!
Maybe it is appropriate that 2020 is a leap year, because something in my mind is pushing me to take a leap, to leave my husband and my job. To pack up my things and move to a new area. Having dreamt about this for years, the “right time” appears to have arrived. The fear […]
Trust is one way
Despite all the trust you have to put in the counsellor, they don’t have to trust you. This fact is quite difficult for me. You would only usually share parts of your true self with people who are close friends or family. Yet in the counsellor relationship, the counsellor always remains a stranger. You know […]
Antidepressants
I am fairly confident if I were to speak to my GP, tell him how I have been feeling, he would be writing the prescription before I finished saying the first few sentences. Is it the easy answer? The right answer? Is it a quick fix, like putting a plaster over it? I refuse to […]
Counsellors can let you down
I truly wished I was not in the position, where I can write about how counsellors can you let you down, but here I am. I was so hurt and let down by my counsellor. After losing my brother and being diagnosed with a heart condition I think it far to say I was an […]