Today I was assessed by the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT), for treatment for the BPD. The only information they have about me is the report from the psychiatrist who diagnosed me. There were two of them on the call, for an hour I was asked to explain my life. I mean where do I actually start? They suggested I tell them about my childhood and even that was too vague for me. They asked some very strange questions, such as was I hospitalised just after I was born.
At the end of the call they said the daily symptoms I described were inline with the symptoms of EUPD / BPD and that I would need to start taking medication.
The psychiatrist had recommended Lamotrigine on Quetiapine however these are not particularly safe for someone like me who has a heart condition. Unfortunately it appears that most anti-depressants and mood stabilisers can cause arrhythmia’s and I am already at risk of life threatening heart rhythms. So they suggested they try me on an anti-depressant that poses slightly less risk. They pointed out that my risk of suicide is high and they have to weigh up what poses the greatest risk to me.
Do I deserve funding for DBT?
The most effective treatment for BPD is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). They will take my case to the team who will decide if they will fund me to have the treatment. I feel some what deflated and defeated, these people after an hour will decide my fate! It feels like there are three possible outcomes and all of them pose issues and concerns for me:
- If the NHS agree to fund me then I am in for a very long wait. How will I cope having to continue living like this? They also said I would have to stop working with Heidi, that is not what I want or need! Heidi is the only therapist I have connected with – although that may not be a good thing.
- I could pay for DBT privately, but I am not sure I can afford it or if I am ready or able to commit to such a long therapy process. It lasts for a minimum of 34 weeks. The group work fills me with dread.
- I don’t have DBT, which isn’t really an option. If I have to live this forever then I would much prefer to die.
I am already angry that the NHS won’t fund me and I don’t even know if this true yet!