Feeling the anger

I don’t know where it comes from, but some days I am consumed with anger. I can feel it mostly in my chest, on occasions in my stomach. I keep gritting my teeth – causing a headache. I clench my fists, feel agitated and restless. It’s like when someone really annoys you and you lose your temper, except no one has annoyed me. I’m kind of angry for no reason, which feels worse than being angry for a reason.

Anger bubbles below the surface

I say for no reason, however I probably feel angry most days. It swims around my mind and body, building up until it’s the only emotion I can feel. Because anger is the most powerful of my emotions and one that I am more likely to show than any of the others. If I show sadness or unhappiness it makes me appear weak and vulnerable. I suppose it feels safer and easier to show my anger. That said I don’t really show it to people I know. I more vent it at strangers. The worst thing I do is turn the anger in on myself.

I feel angry because:

  • I am so tired & drained.
  • I’m in a relationship I can’t get out of
  • My life is pointless
  • I am prepared to show my anger, but not the other emotions
  • My brother died so young
  • I either don’t know who I am, or I hate myself!

I feel anger towards:

  • Myself
    • for making such a mess of life
    • for being such a failure
    • for loving people who don’t love me
    • for being unlovable
    • for being so weak
    • for being an idiot
    • for letting the negative voice dominate
  • My husband
    • for hanging himself and trapping me forever!
    • for not loving me, the way I loved him
    • for being so selfish
    • for never putting me first
  • My mother
    • for being the mother nobody would choose
    • for never believing in me
    • for never being there for me
    • for never loving me
    • for being violent towards me
  • My dad
    • for letting my mum be such a bitch
    • for not standing up to her
    • for not caring about me
    • for letting me down
  • I don’t know. at the world, for anything and everything!

Well, it appears I do have reasons for feeling angry. I just need to let it go, once I discover how.

How anger affects me

I want to scream at anyone and everyone. The idiot in front for driving to slow. The woman who just walked through the door I was holding open for her, without her acknowledging me – Rude! I swear a lot, not at anyone, just a tirade of swear words spill out of my mouth as I sit alone in my car.

 I want to hurt myself in an attempt to release the anger. I want to scream and shout! I feel like a saucepan, bubbling and rattling away on the hob, but I can’t turn the heat down and the water doesn’t boil over. It just bubbles away, getting more and more furious. Its frustrating, which exacerbates the anger.

It’s so hard to explain, as when I am angry, I do not have the patience to articulate how it feels. When I am not feeling angry, I struggle to recall exactly how it feels.

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