I have created a timeline to demonstrate how I got here, I think it is for my benefit as much as it is yours. But you will (hopefully) get some context of the life I have lead and how I ended up here, needing help from a counsellor.
I feel like I had no say in how I ended up here, rather I was dragged, kicking and screaming. Many events, bad decisions and constant negative thoughts have caused me to drift a significant distance from the path I would have chosen in an ideal world. Of course, the majority of the population don’t live in an ideal world, I just need more than what I have, which much of the time feels like “nothing”.
I started counselling in February 2019. During this process I have experienced thoughts and feelings I haven’t for a very long time – if at all, In July this year “A new me appeared” for a brief but amazing period of time, this is the me I want to be, she was happy, adventurous and free. It is this me that gave me insight and opened my mind to the potential.
I have also experienced many, many lows. On numerous occasions I have felt that I don’t have the courage or strength to continue. When I reach the point of giving up, when I am consumed with the feelings of despair and isolation, I remind myself why I am doing this, what there is to gain but if only I don’t give in. One of the darkest of times, was in June when “I thought I couldn’t go on”.
Timeline of my past
I have created a timeline below that maps:
- Significant events that have happened in my life, that still cause me pain and/or sadness
- Memories that I wasn’t particularly aware of, but they seem to have gained significance through the therapy journey.
I think that these events / memories have or potentially could have impacted my life. They certainly feel pertinent to me. To read the full post, please click on year/title. Feel free to leave a comment if you can relate to what I am saying or if you have relevant suggestions / information that could help me or others.
There will be many posts that appear in the “My Journey” page, that don’t appear in the timeline. They may well be as relevant or even more so, than the events and memories I have included. As I mentioned in my “Who am I?” page, all posts from November 2019 and later, relate to the counselling journey, however for obvious reasons, they may well also link to past events or memories not featured in the timeline.
The Darkest Knight
It feels a tad strange saying that a memory as a six year old was a significant event, to clarify it only became significant today, when as a 47 year old, I relived the event.
The playground is lonely when you have mouldy legs, the children give you a wide birth. My mother told me; it was down to the parents, who didn’t want their child near me.
I was such a loner, I didn’t fit in at home and I didn’t fit in at school. School was not a good experience. I became the loud, swearing joker – that’s still me!
I started a job full time, it that kind of happened naturally but at the same time I was pushed forcefully into it. I stayed in this job for ten years.
Imagine how it feels, being wrapped in a snuggly warm blanket. Depression is the exact opposite, it shrouds you in a cold, darkness of emptiness.
I have no idea what I thought would happening, when I arrived in A&E begging the nurse to help me. But as I had never heard of being sectioned, I was not prepared for that.
I decided not to let depression define me, I would ignore the doctors advise of how I should live. I gave up my job, started a new chapter.
I don’t know what hurt more, being told I would never be able to concieve or my mother saying “I’m glad you can’t have kids, you would have made a terrible mother.
I think the day I discovered my husband hanging was the most horrifying, terrifying days I have ever experienced and I certainly hope it is one I will never repeat.
After years of regretting not going to college or university, I was either brave or mad, I handed in my notice and enrolled on a college course and then a university course.
4 Years of stressing, telling myself I couldn’t do it. Never believing I would pass the exams. Worrying about failing every assignment.
One minute he was alive and well (or so we thought) and the next he was gone. In that instant my life was to change forever!
We discovered my brother had a serious hereditary heart condition, after weeks of tests I was told that I had the same.
Eight months since my brother had passed away. I was consumed with guilt for being alive and wasting my life, whilst his life was over, he would never live another day!
I want to change my life. Therapy is hard, some days the pressure, sadness, anger and frustration just get too much. I needed to vent, to release some pressure, so here I am…