I am redundant, lost and confused

I was made redundant 11 days ago and I feel like I have absolutely no purpose in life. I feel more alone, lost and confused than ever. Employment has always been the greatest distraction, it enabled me to become engrossed, block everything else out. Now I cannot find a distraction and what I am left with is far from pleasant.

I don’t have the ability to do anything – previously only an issue at weekends – now it’s all day, every day. It’s so hard to explain. I don’t know what I like, what I want or need to do, what will bring me calm and peace. I think I could do this or I could go here or there, but every idea is combatted by a conflicting argument against it. The constant thoughts, along with the knowledge that I will not do anything intensifies the frustration. Something is bubbling away in my stomach. I need comforting but I don’t know how that looks or feels. Maybe I want to be wrapped in someone’s arms, but I don’t know whose arms I need.

The day looms large in front on me, so much time. The void swallows me and I have no idea how to get through this expanse of endless time. I am a tiny dot on a massive page of emptiness. My default is to want to sleep my way through it, which is ridiculous because I cannot sleep. The insomnia is like torture, adding to the ever-growing amount of time that I cannot deal with. The nights are so long and even more empty than the days.

My brain refuses to function

Having the BPD/EUPD label appears to be making me feel worse. Maybe because I cannot accept it, I am not wanting to believe it is true. I’m scared that I have been referred to the community mental health team, this is the ultimate form of failure. I do not want this to happen. I do not want to admit I have issues with my mental health, I have tried to disprove this my entire adult life!

My brain cannot cope. It is just a barrage of thoughts that have no meaning, no beginning or end. A mishmash of endless thoughts that swirl around and around in my head. The only purpose they serve is to increase the suffering and make my body ache. My head hurts and feels heavy. I want to escape, but how can I? It isn’t possible to escape from being me!

I’ve no ability to learn something new, my other mechanism for distraction. But new ideas and concepts are too complicated for me to understand at the moment. It is like I have lost all forms of intelligence. I am just a slushy pile of nothingness.

At 8:00 am I have already had enough for today. I feel like I cannot take any more. I’m exhausted, I am frustrated. I am alone and I am pointless.

I cannot connect

How can I tell anyone? I want someone to help. But who can help me? And what words can I use to explain this? I have no words to express how awful this feels. I cannot tell anyone that I need help, because I am scared of what that may mean. At the same time I deny to myself that I need help, because that would confirm that I am a failure. Needing help is like admitting I am weak and useless. I am weak and I am useless, but this is not something I wish to share.

I asked my friend to call me, but instantly regretted it. What can I say? Only words that I will live to regret. I could talk to Heidi later today, but I want to push her away. If I talk then the anger will come and then I will spiral ever further into the deep dark depths of despair. I will hate myself for speaking my truth. It must be kept inside of me, yet there it will grow until it takes over my entire being.

I am paralyzed, with no way of reaching out, no way of getting anyone to see me. I’m invisible. I have no voice, I am lost.

This is what makes me want to scream!

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