I need to understand both BPD and myself

I cannot stop asking myself if I have BPD. I feel distraught, I cannot tell you how incredibly sad I feel. It is hard enough to deal with sadness when you understand the cause or reason, but I am sobbing uncontrollably and don’t even know why!

It feels like everything has changed. I have always doubted myself and the intentions of others, now it has reached a level that I feel unable to cope with.  The question that is challenging me the most is do I trust Heidi? Some days over the past months I think I really have. But since the question of BPD came up (Do I have Borderline Personality disorder), I can’t help wondering if she is helping me or trying to destroy me?

I have always thought there was something wrong with me, that I existed on the outside of everyone else’s world. I’ve often felt like I was watching my life through a window, I am there but not close enough to touch. That I can see and hear people, but they are oblivious to my presence.

It’s hard not knowing if I am a horrible, nasty person and that is why I was unlikeable and unlovable.

Do I know my truth?

I am questioning my past, was it real? Did I cause the pain, the arguments, the inner torture? Was it all just my warped view of the world? I deserved to hurt, I can accept causing my own pain, but I cannot cope with causing any pain for others.

Manipulative seems to be a big part of BPD, am I manipulative? I know I have problems with anger, I have written about it in the following posts – Turbulence – consumed with anger and feeling the anger.

I have so many questions for Heidi, and even if I asked them would I be able to believe her answers?

Why did Heidi ask me to research my symptoms? Why did I find articles about BPD? What if I had concluded I had something other than BPD, would she have agreed with that too? How did she know what my research would reveal? She couldn’t have known! Why did she not tell me her concerns or thoughts? I feel conspired against, that she planned this with her supervisor.

I don’t understand the counselling relationship. I want and need Heidi’s help but don’t feel worthy of it. Does she really want to help? Does she even care? Why do I care about her?

I feel like she discovered my biggest secret. That she stole it from me, before I even knew it existed. I feel angry with her for potentially revealing things about me, that I didn’t and still don’t want to see.

 Do I want to be labelled with BPD? Can I live my life without knowing?

A BPD diagnosis may actually bring me some relief

Maybe an official diagnosis will bring a sense of relief. If I were to have BPD it would explain so much. The intense and then stormy relationships I experience. The intense sadness, loneliness, and anger that I feel. It may answer why I am so confused about who I am, what I like and what I need.

I do not want to accept I have BPD, however perhaps it will be a big step in learning who I am.

The process of a diagnosis could take months on the NHS, and it is very expensive to go private. When I discussed getting diagnosed with a private clinic, they suggested Heidi write a referral for me. Heidi subsequently suggested I write about my symptoms, this really annoyed me! I didn’t know I has any symptoms until recently, and that was at her suggestion! Like everything in my life there is just too much contradiction and confusion. So maybe I need to invest time and learn about it for myself before I take the step of a obtaining a formal diagnosis. I do not wish to self-diagnose, merely explore the possibility.

I need to research BPD

When I read about BPD weeks ago, the article that stood out the most for me was “Do you have quiet BPD?” , so it makes sense to investigate the signs and symptoms they discuss.

  • Do I experience extreme mood swings that last from a few hours to a few days, even when you don’t show them on the outside?
  • Do I suffer from toxic shame and feel guilty all the time?
  • Do I tend to blame myself when conflicts occur? 
  • Even if I don’t tell them or show it, do I find myself idealizing someone one moment, then devaluing or discarding them the next? 
  • Do I feel chronically numb, empty, and detached from the world?
  • Are there times where I feel “surreal,” like I’m in a movie or a dream?
  • Do I deny and suppress the anger I feel? 
  • Do I often feel I take up too much space, or I’m somehow a burden to those around me?
  • Do I cut people off the instant they hurt me, rather than trying to talk to them about what happened?
  • When I’m upset, do I withdraw into myself and don’t talk to anybody?

At a glance I would say everyone at some time or another will experience all he items in the above list. I suppose I want to understand if these bullet points are how I live my daily life. They are the norm rather than the exception…

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