It’s been a while since my last post. So much has happened in the last few weeks. I think it fair to say I have felt somewhat broken. Life was already a struggle and then I was referred for tests for suspected Leukemia. Every second of the last few weeks have felt like torture. My counsellor has helped by seeing me twice a week and I don’t know how I would have got through without her support. I felt like I was going out of my mind, similar to when I was previously sectioned, but this time I wasn’t suicidal.
I have just got the results, I don’t have Leukemia, but I do have yet another medical issue.
Which poses the question “what the hell am I waiting for?” Based on this question my counsellor set me homework to create a dream board – showing what is it that I want. To demonstrate where I see myself, to show her my future.
I spent several days trying to put something together. For reasons that are beyond my understanding this proved to be far more emotionally challenging than I had anticipated. I couldn’t show her my dream, without first justifying it to myself, explaining to myself why I deserve it. I kept having an emotional tidal wave hit me, I wailed like I was in pain – it felt like the most intense grief. I’d manage to pull myself together only for the next wave to hit. At the end of it, I realise so much has happened, so much pain, anger and frustration consumes me daily. I have had enough! Time is of the essence. I do not have time to waste, I have enough regrets.
Having therapy isn’t easy!
It will be incredibly hard, but I have to do this. I have to move on with my life, I have to start living. I’ve started to make a plan, I am on an incredibly painful path but one that will hopefully lead me to a better place both emotionally and geographically. I could easily say I have to stop, but that would mean accepting this is my life forever and that is not an option!