So after many sessions with my counsellor, I was set a task of making a list of goals -promises to myself. Whilst making the list was difficult, the greatest challenge will be actually achieving them! I know where I am, I know where I want to be, but can I or will I ever get there? As I want and need this more than anything, I hope so. Once they have been achieved, it won’t be yay, I achieved my goals and everything stops, well no because they will have to be updated / replaced with newer more meaningful goals for the person I will have become.
So here they are the promises that I have made to myself, if I can somehow establish how to get to this position I am sure my life will be much happier and easier. The problem is when I try to understand how to get here I can’t. I know where I am, I know where I want to be (both emotionally and physically) but what I need to do eludes me. It gets so complicated and confusing, my brain cannot cope and somehow removes all form of logic.
Promises to myself
- I promise to allow myself to discover who I am. To explore my femininity and sexuality. To question what I really want and need and allow myself to grow. I am the only one who has been/ will be with me throughout every stage of my journey and yet I am a person who I don’t truly know.
- I promise to be kinder to myself, to not be so self-critical, allow myself to make mistakes, put myself first and believe in myself. I will not let other peoples views cause me to doubt what I believe to be the truth about myself. I deserve to be happy. I am a good person even when I don’t show it or people cannot see it.
- I will strive to leave the past and negativity behind and base my decisions on the person I am that day, not a person I once was. My default will be I can, not I can’t.
- I promise to care for myself daily, to address the little things before they escalate. To remind myself of Heidi’s analogy of the garden, you have to tend to the weeds.
- I will work towards building relationships / friendships with others, once I have built a relationship with myself. I cannot allow past relationships to prevent future ones.
- I am responsible for me, only I can make myself happy. I am not responsible for anyone else, I am not accountable for the happiness of others.
What stops me?
When I read this simple list of what I want to achieve it doesn’t seem anything too difficult. But then I look at where I am and what I need to change/ do to reach them and I fall apart. I tell myself I can’t do this, I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t know how to be happy. I’ll never be content with who or what I am. I will never be good enough for me or for anyone else. I want to give in, to stop counselling, to stop living, to kill myself as I cannot change, and I cannot bear to continue my life feeling so crap all of the time.
Where I think I am
- I don’t know who I am – yeah I know how stupid that sounds. But I think I try to be what I think other people want me to be…
- I struggle with my sexuality and femininity – I am confused by both and don’t have the capacity to explore or understand them
- I constantly relive old memories, I think it started because I thought I should suffer and they are memories that make me feel sad or worthless.
- I’m stuck, I cannot see a way out, a way forward. Leaving me feeling trapped, like a prisoner of my own mind and body
- I’m consumed by negative thoughts, I repeatedly tell myself I am useless and stupid
- I doubt myself and I analyse and criticise everything I say and do
- I blame myself for everything and I do mean everything, one way or another it is my fault
- Most days I dislike myself, some days I hate myself and wish I were dead
- I feel responsible for my husband, I feel intense guilt when I think about leaving him, how would I live with myself if he kills himself. Yet staying with him, makes me want to kill myself.
- I have based my happiness or lack of on the basis I don’t deserve it
- Hurt / Pain
- Bitterness and resentment
- Unloved and unwanted, worthless
I think it fair to say I am scared to live alone, worried I will sink into a really deep, dark depression, which will mean it was all for nothing! I am scared I will die sad and lonely. Yet to contradict this I am scared to keep living in a loveless marriage, I am sinking into a deep dark depression. If I don’t change I will die sad and lonely. This one paragraph makes me so sad, I just feel like I am a waste of a life, my brother lived his life to the full and he died suddenly, I wish I had died because his life was worth so much more than mine.