Negative Voice

My negative voice controls me, is always interrupting my thoughts. For example its Saturday, I have no plans, what shall I do today? I decide to go to the beach for a walk.
Negative voice says “but its hot. You can’t wear shorts, you’re too fat, better to stay in the garden.” I decide I will be fine in trousers, negative voice says, “It will be busy, all those people, just stay home.” I think I can cope with the crowds, negative says “what if you can’t park?”
As a result, I think oh it’s hot, I look like shit, the beach will be packed, I probably won’t park. I’ll just sit in the garden.
And so, I sit in the garden, negative voice says “you are useless! I knew you wouldn’t go out!”. I feel sad, useless, its my day off but I am alone in the garden.

It contradicts everything I have said, criticises everything I do. It argues with what I think and how I feel. It has the ability to turn any positive into a negative and strips away any happiness I manage to feel.

Negative voice examples

Struggle to accept the good

My counsellor hugged me at the end of the session, she said she was proud of me and knows how hard I am working. I was driving home, thinking how nice it is to have a counsellor who hugs me. Something that really matters to me at the minute. How nice it is to hear someone say they are proud of you, something I haven’t heard for quite a few years. My negative voice says, “you idiot! Why are you taken in by her? You think she cares? Err no, it’s her job. It didn’t even feel like a hug!” I think about it. It didn’t feel like a warm hug from someone you love, but it felt like a caring hug from someone you know. Negative voice says “really? Does she care? Did she even really hug you?” I think about it again, I recall the end of our counselling session, but this time I ask myself “did she even hug you? Why would she?” Negative voice says “you are so stupid; I don’t even know what you are thinking seeing a counsellor. You can’t fix this, just kill yourself!”

Never good enough

At university I would work really hard on assignments, it was hard to ever feel like it was good enough to hand in. I would finally think, yes, I am happy that I will get a good grade. As soon as the assignment was handed in, negative voice states “you idiot, you’ve failed that!” I read the assignment, well hopefully it will pass, but I am not getting an A.” Negative voice chips in “Yeah, fail one assignment, fail them all, you won’t pass this degree!” I start to worry, what if I fail the degree, what if I can’t get a job after I graduate? Negative voice is happy “You won’t get a job; it will have been a waste of time and money. You are a failure. Always have been and always will be!”

I worry constantly until I receive the results, convinced I have failed.  The results are in, I got an A. OMG I am so happy. Negative voice points out “you got 79%, you were 1% away from A+, I don’t know what you are happy about.” I then feel upset I was so close but didn’t achieve an A+. I AM AN IDIOT!

I have also written about when I argue with the negative voice.

My though process November 2019

I tried to map my thought process and demonstrate the negative paths. It isn’t easy to document, because it is constant, very fast and I am not always aware of when it has started to rant. It shows the thoughts that I have at least 30 – 40 times a day, although there is obviously an abundance of negative thoughts that I have and either don’t acknowledge them or they zip in and out and are forgotten.

This frequent negative thoughts process, that invariably, leads me down a torturous path of destruction, makes me feel like I cannot cope, I am not worthy until the pressure builds to a level where the darkest of thoughts appear in my mind and tell me that I should die. I would hope in the future to add a mind map, that demonstrates a much calmer, clearer mind – watch this space, but do not hold your breath, it may take a while….