We all have to start secondary school; for me it was an incredibly upsetting experience. It began when we had to nominate two friends we would like to be in class with when we started secondary school, for most the challenge was reducing their extensive list down, to just two. I didn’t have two, I only had one. I was a loner, as per my previous post – the lonely playground
I was terrified of going to a new school, I was scared enough at the current one. Every night I sobbed; I was either ignored or my Mother would storm into my bedroom and scream go to sleep, don’t be so bloody stupid! How I wished my Mother had, pacified me, explained everything would be ok. Because if she had, maybe I wouldn’t have endured such prolonged anxiety.
I walked to school on my own that first day, I cried, I felt sick, I was petrified. Looking at everyone else, in twos or larger groups, I felt alone, I always felt alone. Unable to walk up the stairs in front of people, I was worried what they would do behind my back. I’d pretend to be putting something in my coat pocket on the coat hook, wait until I was the last. I felt more and more isolated, I started to act differently, this is when I changed according to who I was with and became who I thought they wanted me to be. I had already started to lose myself, my identity.
The other kids made interaction and friendship look easy, whilst I roamed the playground on my own. When I did make friends with a group of girls; like at home I never felt I was truly part of the group, I was always slightly on the outside. I thought they wanted me to be the joker, so that is what I became. The other girls in my class quickly left me behind. They were obsessed with doing their hair and make-up. I didn’t have a clue, didn’t feel feminine.
I don’t think I have ever fitted in. I’ve always watched my life through a window. I have always wanted to be invisible. I have always imagined the only things people have to say about me are negative and detrimental comments.
I am still a loner, still struggle to make friends. Have difficulty trusting people, believing what they say. My negative voice always analyses and rarely concludes people have good intentions.