I want to change my life. As fifty rapidly approaches, I realise I am getting old and I don’t know how much time I have left. This sounds really morbid and dramatic, but actually when you lose someone suddenly, and they are younger than you, it changes your perspective somewhat. It was my brother dying and me having bereavement counselling, that lead me to have long term counselling. Time is of the essence; I don’t want to die until I find myself. I can’t bear the thought of dying without knowing how it feels to be truly loved. Leaving this earth having never been at peace with myself, is not an option.
Therapy is hard, some days the pressure, sadness, anger, frustration and confusion all get too much. I needed an outlet, a place to vent in-between my weekly counselling sessions. I thought that writing down some thoughts, might stop them flying round and round inside my head. By creating a website (something I enjoy), I would create a distraction, an escape from the everyday life, despite that also being the subject of this site. It gives me a different focus and perspective. I try to detach myself, from the memories and events I write about. I try to look at them from many different angles, as I try to articulate them into words that are suitable. Words that appear to make sense, when actually the thoughts get so confused. By brain swirls much quicker than I can speak or type.
A journal of the journey
I suppose I am creating a representation of my journey through the counselling process. I am documenting my journey in the hope I will be able to identify my progress, when I read back through my old posts. To help me to believe I can do this, I can change my life.
Unless I take the time to acknowledge all the steps I have taken, look back on who I was, it is impossible to identify any progress. My counsellor can reel off what I have achieved, but if she were to ask me, she would inevitably get a blank stare. I can’t see all the tiny steps that are slowly leading me towards achieving my goals.I can see a huge void between where I am and where I need to get to. It is a bit like considering jumping from one tower block onto another – impossible. So rather than focusing on the gap, I am focusing on documenting the now.